What If…

Well, I haven’t posted anything on this blog of mine in a long while. It’s not for a lack of trying though. I just haven’t had anything to write about. I tried, believe me I did, but I just couldn’t get anything going. *sigh* I need a muse..

I figured I should do some introspection in order to find some kind of inspiration for a new post. If anything, I realised that I’m not very good at this introspection thing. Actually, I suck at it. I found myself thinking about things from damn near seven years ago! Thinking about these things made me realise exactly how much growing up I’ve done in the last few years.

The one thing I kept asking myself during my session of introspection is “What if?” Turns out I have a whole lot of things I regret not doing. I kept wondering how different my life would be if I had (or hadn’t) done certain things.
“What if I’d taken that opportunity?”
“What if I’d waited a little longer before making that decision?”
“What if I hadn’t changed schools halfway through my high school career?”

The one “What if?” that stayed on my mind for a while was “What if I’d told that girl how I felt?”

I had a crush on this one girl in high school. You know those crushes where you feel like the person is the one? The type of crush where you don’t really understand why the fuck you’re feeling the way you do? The crush that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Yeah, that type of crush. Lol I suppose every crush is like that, huh? Anyway, I was young. At that point in my life, I’d never felt like anything like what I felt for that girl. I thought I was in love. Heck, maybe I was. It just felt all kinds of right. Fuck, I hate crushes, man. 😦

I was 14 when all this was happening. Back then, I couldn’t talk to girls, you guys. Whenever I had to talk to a girl, I’d literally talk my way into the friendzone. I wasn’t slick like all the other guys my age were. Whatever the opposite of “slick” is, I was it.

Things were different with this girl. I was different with this girl. I suppose that’s where the crush actually started: this is the one girl I could actually speak to, and she spoke to me too! The more we spoke, the more I realised what an amazing person she was. We were close. Very close. She’d tell me things. Sometimes, those “things” were about her own relationship. I hated that shit! Here’s the girl I was falling so hard for, telling about some lucky guy that got to call her his girlfriend.

At some point, I decided I was going to tell her how felt. That did not happen. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell her how I felt. For two years, I had to deal with liking this girl more & more, and not knowing if she liked me back. Like I said, I hate crushes 😦

Eventually, I had to leave the school. The combination of a bad disciplinary record and my marks constantly dropping resulted in my mother deciding that this wasn’t the right school for me. I was distraught when I found out I had to leave the school. I loved the school and all my friends were there. And, of course, that girl was there too. I left the school without ever letting her know how I felt. I had to get over how I felt about her. And I did, eventually. We lost touch and went nearly three years without talking to each other.

Last year, we finally got to talk to each other again. She invited me on BBM (or the other way around, I don’t remember). I’m all grown up now and I say whatever is on my mind. So when we spoke, I told her about the huge crush I had on her in high school. Lol she was surprised. It felt good telling her about how I felt, although it was 3 years late. We’re cool again, it’s like that 3 year gap never even happened. Our conversations are different now that we’re all grown up, but I still act a fool every now and then. I’ve told her that I’d still like to be in a relationship with her. Maybe it will happen one day..

I guess I’ll never have an answer to that “What if I’d told her how I felt?” question. She could’ve told me she felt the same way, we would’ve dated and then broken-up. That would’ve sucked. She could’ve rejected me and that might have been the end of our friendship. Anything could’ve happened.

She still hasn’t let me know how she felt about me though…


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