What To Do With All This Potential?

When was the last time someone told you how much potential you had and how great you’d be if you just worked a little bit harder?

If no one’s ever told you this, you don’t have potential. I’m sorry.
Lol I kid, I kid.
Now it’s awkward. (“._.)

Earlier this week, for the first time in a few years, I got told about this great potential I have. About how if I put in a little more effort into my studies, I’d fulfil this here potential and great things would happen. Like every other time I’ve had this said to me, I just sat there, smiled and responded with “I’ll try to work harder at school.”

I lied. I won’t try to work harder at school. I’m a slacker. I’ve been a slacker for the past eight years. Eight years! That’s the three years I’ve spent at tertiary and the five years in High School before that. The last time I genuinely worked hard at school was during Primary. *hangs head in shame*

Actually, no. The last time I worked really hard at school was in matric. I was so scared of failing matric that I forced myself to work like a slave. Studying all the time – early mornings and late nights.
I guess that’s the one reason I’ve managed to make it this far in spite of my slacking: my fear of failure. This fear has kept me from failing, but it hasn’t stopped me from becoming an under-achiever. (Is there a word for this fear?)

During my first year at tertiary, I clocked new levels of slacking. That thing they say about letting the freedom that comes with tertiary go to your head? It’s real, it’s real. It got so bad that I ended up failing two modules. That shook me. Failing isn’t nice. I haven’t failed anything since then. (I just googled it. The fear of failure is called Atychiphobia. Honestly, “Failophobia” would’ve been so much easier to remember.)

I’ve been trying really hard to work hard. Especially during my final year. I don’t want to bask in this glow of mediocrity that I’ve created for myself in the last eight years anymore.

Knowing me, I’ll be motivated to work hard and change my entire attitude towards school while typing this post – then, a couple of hours after posting it, I’ll realise that I was reaching and I’ll go back to being a slacker.

Why am I like this? 😦

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